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So with summer winding down and August finally here, we knew it wouldn’t be too long before we needed to stop our jobs at Carrabba’s and get everything ready for the big trip: since Mallory had driven down to Myrtle Beach, we had to take the car back to Wisconsin. Yep, you guessed it: road trip.

We stopped working on August 23rd (a Sunday) and took a few days to ourselves to wrap up any other loose ends or do things we still wanted to do. On Wednesday we went to the beach one final time, a particular visit that Mal is sure not to forget, as she burnt her feet as we ran across the hot pavement/sand (and got 5 blisters in the process). Thursday we decided to head over to my old highschool in Conway. I let them know that I’d be interested in teaching a Photoshop basics class when I got back from college in November, and they were quick to write it down. I’ve always had an interest in teaching, and it would be fun to teach something like Photoshop. We also met with Jarrett one final time at the Outer Limits restaurant (Mal’s first taste of a real country buffet).

Friday morning we were packed and ready to leave. My parents had left two days prior to head to Maryland to take care of some last remaining things with my grandfather’s estate, so when Mal and myself headed out on Friday, we left Rocko alone (but heavily armed with about 1lb of food). We were initially trying to get out of the house by 9am, but of course we got held up till about 10am. As we were loading the car, Dan Settembrini called.

He was calling to let me know he had gotten a speeding ticket (actually, no ticket, just a court date—he was speeding in a work zone, ouch). He was traveling that day as well—to Lillington, NC, to visit Rhett and Link, two internet celebrities he interned with last summer. He told me he got the ticket near Walterboro, SC, and Mallory said I should go look it up on Google Maps. As it turned out, he was 1 hour and 40 minutes from Florence, SC, which we also had to pass through. Do you know how long it takes to get from Little River, SC to Florence? Yep, 1 hour and 40 minutes. I told Dan that we should try and meet in Florence for lunch, and he was game.

First we stopped by a local vineyard to get a bottle of wine for Mallory’s father (birthday gift), then we headed to Florence. Sure enough, we ended up at a McDonald’s within 3 minutes of each other. We had lunch together and Dan finally got to meet Mallory (Dan sees Mallory on a daily basis at school, only over my shoulder while I talk to her on Skype). We said goodbye and Dan headed off to North Carolina while we trecked further west.

Originally our plan had been to stop in Spartanburg, SC, to get lunch at The Beacon, but since we already ate lunch with Dan, we decided to go straight for the interstate instead. With the GPS leading us, we traveled another 4 or 5 hours until we arrived in beautiful Knoxville, TN.

We checked into the hotel before heading off to one of Knoxville’s many malls to look around and grab some food. When we arrived at the Knoxville Center Mall, the first person we passed going through the door was wearing a cowboy hat. It was awesome. Unfortunately it wasn’t as I had suspected: not everyone in Tennessee wears cowboy hats, as that one guy was the only person that I saw. Regardless, we looked through the mall and found a store called Packard’s that dealt in video games from all generations, all ‘buy 2 get one free’. The selection was really good, including harder to find SNES titles (no Earthbound, though), but the prices were crazy. Well, maybe not crazy, but not the sort of prices I’d like to pay for SNES games (okay, so what if Donkey Kong Country is worth $30, I wouldn’t pay more than $8). I found StarTropics (NES) for $5 and picked it up. The guy at the counter reminded me that I could buy another game and get one free, but I told him it was the only game in the store worth buying.

We walked around for a little bit and got some dinner at Taco Bell, then grabbed some cookies from the Great American Cookie Company that we’d eat later in the hotel room (long story surrounding those cookies: the sugar cookies sucked completely and weren’t edible, so I had to email the company letting them know). When we bought the cookies we left the mall. It was about 9pm.

A little backtracking here: on our way to the mall initially, Mal thought she heard a rattling in her car. I couldn’t hear it at first, but after a while I started to. When we parked she looked at her engine but everything seemed fine. We thought we maybe should have it checked, but we’d do it after we had looked in the mall.

Back to the story. So we’re leaving the mall at 9pm, and as we’re driving out of the parking lot we notice a auto repair shop. We figured they were closed, but drove over to see what time they opened so we could have it looked out in the morning. To our surprise the lights were still on, but the sign did say that they closed at 9pm.

“Hi, we’re on our way back to Wisconsin and my car is making a rattling noise.”

Despite it being closing time, a friendly mechanic jumped at the opportunity to help us, driving the car around then into the shop, lifting it up and peering underneath. He found the source of the problem: apparently there’s a shield around your muffler and Mal’s bands that hold it on had rusted, causing the shield to become loose. They rattled against the muffler, but it wasn’t anything serious. Relieved, we thanked the man and went back to the hotel to enjoy our cookies (but you already know that story).

The next morning we were up in time for the continental breakfast (7am). I enjoyed a waffle with apple juice and Mallory ate a muffin and some fruit. We got our stuff packed and were on the road by 9am.

The plan was to take a 30-minute detour to Louisville, KY, to see Seth Woodley, who had recently moved there for school. GPS said we’d get there in 4½ hours, right around 1:30pm. Off we went, into the hills of TN (and eventually Kentucky).

On the way, Mal had to get gas so we stopped at a gas station that had a Taco Bell attached to it. Knowing that pretty soon sweet tea would be gone, we went through the drive-through and got a single large sweet tea. When we got to the window, he handed us the sweet tea before asking, “would you like any mild, hot or fire sauce with that?” After a few moments of silence we slowly responded “…no”, to which he started apologizing and laughing for being an idiot.

As the clock hit 1:30pm, we arrived in Louisville and met up with Seth at a Buffalo Wild Wings (despite having eaten there only 2 nights before). We ate some wings, exchanged hugs and talked for quite a long time. We could tell Seth didn’t want us to leave (and we certainly would’ve loved to have stayed), but the road was calling our name. Particularly Mallory’s name; she was driving.

As we left Louisville, we set a new marker on the GPS: Muncie, Indiana, home to Chaz Estell (aka βlackLeader, aka DJ Beta), who let us stay with him and his girlfriend, Elizabeth (who had met Mallory already, but hadn’t had the opportunity to meet me). We arrived in Muncie around 5pm and unpacked our stuff into the house. We talked for a while before we left to go eat at Amazing Joe’s (The Answer Is Yes). I had the Monterey Jack Chicken: a grilled chicken breast smothered in cheese and mushrooms. I probably didn’t rave about it then as much as I should have, but it was amazing. I hadn’t tasted anything that good in a long, long time. It even rivaled that of Carrabba’s.

Once we finished eating, we went back to the house. Elizabeth went to bed since she had to be up for work at 11pm, and the other three of us watched an episode of MST3k (Final Justice, for those who are interested), as well as plenty of RiffTrack shorts. At one point I could feel myself nodding off, so I went out to the car to grab my trusty box of Apple Jacks. Eating them one at a time kept me awake, though. We went to bed around midnight, maybe half after the hour.

We woke up that Sunday morning around 7:30am and were out the door in about an hour. We stopped at Burger King and got some breakfast before continuing our journey north. Today’s stops included Mitsuwa (Japanese) Marketplace, just north of Chicago. The GPS said we’d get there around 11:15am, but accounting for the time difference it was actually 12:15pm.

Driving through Indiana was anything but exciting. It was flat, plain and simple. 50 miles on this road, 50 miles on that road, nothing but corn on both sides. Then something interesting came up on the map. Kokomo, Indiana! A little out of our way, but worth it, right? For those who are uninformed, Kokomo was the birthplace of Reid Young, webmaster and co-owner of Starmen.net. While driving through Indiana we were passing towns that were literally 100 feet long (think of seeing a ‘welcome to’ sign then immediately a ‘now leaving’ sign), so we’d easily find Reid’s house, right?

Well, no. I was actually serious about finding his house (had I have found it, I probably would’ve introduced myself and Mallory to his parents and tried to explain what a good guy Reid was), but Kokomo was way different than the other towns. It was huuuuuge! At least as huge can be for Indiana. There were chain restaurants all over, and we just kept driving and driving. We would point at places and say “I bet Reid ate here!”, but after doing that 2 or 3 times we realized that it was beginning to sound creepy so we just tried to get back on the main road.

After taking our Kokomo joyride and losing about 20 minutes or so on our time, we continued the path to Mitsuwa. As we got closer to Illinois, we couldn’t help but notice the GPS was telling us to go through—no, it couldn’t be—Gary, Indiana. I’ve been told that Gary is the homocidal capital of the U.S. (I researched this and that’s apparently not true: it has been, however, on the top 10 list of most dangerous cities). Driving through Gary was an adventure in itself. The city is like a ghost town, with everything looking run down, dilapidated, and vacant. A once thriving steel town, Gary is now nothing more than a bad place to live (also, a name for a man). To make matters worse, the route that the GPS told us to take didn’t even exist: construction (which seemed to have been there forever) was in the way, with detour signs pointing the way.

Gary did a heck of a job with those signs. Some pointed one way, some another. Some told us to keep straight, others to turn. Navigating around was incredibly confusing, all the while the GPS is yelling at us for not going a way that would be impossible to go. At once point we wound up at the steel mills: no cars around, not even a person around. ‘Creepy’ doesn’t really begin to define it, and the entire time Mallory was freaking out. I told her to keep calm and that we’d be out of Gary soon enough. Maybe I spoke too soon when we passed a pair of rusted schoolbusses that were just sitting on the side of a residential street. Way to go, Gary.

Even so, we eventually got out of Gary and continued on our merry little way to…. traffic. Chicago wouldn’t be Chicago without traffic, and we were stuck in the middle of it. It took 30 minutes to go 3 miles, and during that time I realized that maybe I shouldn’t have gotten the 36oz Gatorade. I honestly thought my bladder would burst before we made it all the way to Mitsuwa, but by 2pm we had made it there. I rushed to the bathroom and then we looked around the market.

Mitsuwa was really cool, I had never seen anything quite like it. It felt just like being in Japan, with little shops selling everything imaginable. We went to the food court and got real Japanese ramen (no packets here) and it was amazing. We bought a bubble tea, too, then walked around a little bit more. They even had the super delicious Koala Yummies (called March of the Koalas in Japan, or Koala March), but we bought some bakery goods instead. They have these little loafs of bread called Melon bread, which is essentially a cookie/bread hybrid. Imagine if you took a cookie and inflated it using bread, then put a chocolate chip filling inside. Yes, it tastes as amazing as it sounds.

With that out of the way, we were clear to head to our final destination: Appleton, WI. It had been a long journey, but we were almost home. We started traveling again, and got out of the Chicago area.

About 2 hours from Appleton, right outside of Milwaukee, we hear a loud boom noise while driving down the middle of the highway going 70mph. We start to lose control of the car and the brakes aren’t slowing us down like they should be. Problem? Well… our tire exploded. Not just went flat, but really exploded. We pulled off to the side of the road and I got out the number for AAA (hurray for having AAA!). No sooner had I got the information in and the guy told me he was sending someone out, then did a huge truck pull up behind us. A man walked out with a nametag that read “Josh”.

“Who are you?”
“I’m with the FST, we take care of any and all road problems.”
“Oh. Well, we’ve already got AAA on the phone and —”
“Tell them to cancel it. I work for the government of Wisconsin, and we do it for free. Plus, I’m here right now, and it’ll be 30 minutes or more before they get anyone out here.”

So with that, I told the AAA guy on the phone not to come, and we watched as Josh changed our tire for us. Within 10 minutes we were back on the road again, but this time the plans had changed. We couldn’t drive all the way to Appleton on our little spare, so we headed to Mallory’s Aunt Mary and Uncle Tom’s house, conveniently only 10 minutes or so away.

We got there, looked up a nearby tire place, and got everything settled. No, we didn’t get home in Appleton at 5:15pm like we thought we would, but at least we took care of the tire issue. Everyone who looked at the tire said we were lucky to be alive: the tire was in pieces, and it was a wonder the car didn’t flip or do something crazy like that.

3 hours later, we were on the road again. Soon enough we were back in Appleton, and Mallory was home (although later she said it no longer felt like home: she was used to the South, used to my home and my family). Casey (Nesskid) called to find out where we were, and we met him for dinner at Culver’s after we dropped our stuff off at the house.

And that, my friends, is the crazy story of driving. 7 hours each day, multiplied by 3 days, is 21 hours in the car. Even so, Mallory and myself managed not to kill each other, and things are going good now as well. I’m taking a ton of pictures, all of which will be uploaded to Flickr and linked to here. I’m here till Sunday, and I’ll be sure to fill you in on the rest of my time here.

Given the chance, I’d do it again… just not anytime soon. Also, if you’re interested, here’s the entire collection of photos from the 3 day trip.